It was a message that could just as easily have been given via a ministerial statement in the Commons. But Keir Starmer needs every break he can get at the moment and he wasn’t going to pass up the chance to look like a world leader at a press conference in Downing Street. The advantages were obvious. No need to have to listen to Kemi Badenoch drone on for five minutes with her revisionist fantasies in reply. Avoid the danger of loads of backbench MPs observing that President Trump is a deranged halfwit who doesn’t know what he’s doing.
But best of all a press conference was ideal because the American war with Iran is one of the few occasions when the prime minister’s judgment has been right all along. Just over two weeks in and it’s increasingly looking like the The Donald is only in the war for its entertainment value. Just last weekend, he was saying he might continue bombing Kharg Island for fun. For the lols and social media hits. There has never been a plan or a goal in mind. Not so long ago he was saying the Brits were late to the party and he didn’t need them anyway. Now he is begging for help in keeping the strait of Hormuz open.
Starmer’s natural instinct to stay as far out of the conflict as he can has been a good one. When Kemi and Nigel Farage were yelling to get stuck in, Keir urged caution. And he’s been proved right. Most Brits want well out of another war in the Middle East. All of which made the press conference a no-brainer. A rare opportunity for the prime minister to look prime ministerial. He might not get another chance.
Even so, the last few weeks have taken their toll. Keir now looks permanently knackered from having to juggle the war, the Mandelson fallout, threats to his leadership and so much going pear-shaped on the home front. It’s just been one damned thing after another with no let-up. The job has proved to be a blessing and a curse. Something he wanted so badly has begun to destroy him from the inside out. And yet he can’t let go. He is compelled to hang on for as long as possible. But his eyes are now hollowed out. He looks to be running on fumes.
Still, Keir was determined to give it his best shot. Even if he couldn’t find the passion he might at least find the right words. His aim was to protect British nationals, he said. He had a contingency plan to protect the less-well off from energy price hikes. He wanted to bring an end to the conflict as soon as possible. More to help avert the cost of living crisis getting any worse than for humanitarian reasons. Opening the strait of Hormuz was essential to ensure the world’s oil and gas supplies but the only way to achieve a lasting peace was a negotiated settlement.
After that things turned a little vague. Though Starmer was adamant that Britain would stay out of the war, he gave almost nothing away about what the UK’s response might be to Trump’s demand for European help. It sounded very much like he was playing for time. We might send some underwater mine-hunting drones. There again, we might not. Depends where they were.
We probably wouldn’t be sending any warships. Largely because we’ve only got a few and we’re trying to keep all of them out of harm’s way. No point ending up as collateral damage in an illegal war. It wasn’t as if Trump would be at all grateful for any help we did give. That’s just not his style. He is a man who lives almost entirely in an amoral, consequence-free present. Threatening the end of Nato for non-involvement when only a matter of weeks previously he had tried to annex Greenland from Denmark. Taking Trump at his word is a thankless one-way ticket to hell. Besides, the Germans had already said no.
Most of this was inferred, rather than said. Starmer’s still not quite brave enough – or reckless enough – to spell out the US president’s shortcomings. Though you feel the moment may be getting closer. One day it might be a relief for him to say what he really thinks. But we’re not there yet.
So we had to make do with code when it came to questions from the media on the special relationship. Everything was very difficult, he said. No decisions had been made on anything. We were working with partners. It sounded as if he would be very happy for no decisions ever to be made. To let the situation continue to be indeterminate until such time Trump got bored and stopped the war. Or maybe The Donald would bump his head and turn into a sentient being.
Starmer was inevitably on far trickier ground when he was asked about Mandelson. Then his answers turned incoherent. Due process had been followed at all times. The only problem was that the due process had been inadequate which is why he was determined to make sure the due process was more thorough in the future. Make sense of that if you can.
Everything is still as clear as mud. We don’t even know if Keir even wanted Mandelson or had just been told he wanted Mandelson. His curiosity didn’t stretch to taking any real interest in the vetting report that said Mandy was a potential wrong ’un who had been sacked twice and was still mates with a convicted paedophile. There’s just no way you can spin this to make Starmer look good.
Still, at least he can claim to have been on the right side in the war. Which is more than can be said about the Tories and Reform who are now struggling to play catch-up. Both find themselves in the strange position of wanting to be more like Keir. Though for both of them, this now involves lying through their teeth. Kemi is now adamant that she would never have dreamed of taking part in offensive operations even though it’s on record that she and her shadow foreign secretary, Priti Patel, said exactly this. Insulting the country’s intelligence isn’t generally a vote winner. But I guess Kemi knows best.
Richard Tice was also at it during his press conference on Monday morning. Dicky is Reform’s new money-saving expert who was there to tell everyone only idiots fail to take advantage of aggressive tax avoidance loopholes. From now on, Reform would be giving everyone a grant of £20,000 to hire top tax lawyers. Just remember only complete losers don’t regard paying tax as a negotiation. Dicky was also asked if he still wanted the UK to bomb Iran. I never said that, he protested. Maybe there are tax breaks to be had in the reconstruction of Tehran.
