Two women sitting on the couch during Christmas gathering. Getty Images Christmas is considered the most wonderful time of the year, but the day itself can have all the ingredients needed for a family fight. Maybe there’s a reason you haven’t seen some of these people all year: You know someone might criticize your food, there might be a heated debate over dinner, and even a fight over the TV remote. We spoke to psychologists and parenting experts to get their top tips on keeping the Christmas spirit and avoiding family disagreements. Scheduled for Christmas or New Year’s Eve? See rights, days off and everything workers need to know See what’s open and what’s closed in SP this Christmas holiday Raisins: how the most controversial Christmas fruit is produced Natal Luz de Gramado, RS, enters the record books 1. Give up on the perfect Christmas Dog runs between decorations after Christmas tree falls. Getty Images Start by refusing to chase the idealized version of Christmas we see in movies, says psychotherapist and author Philippa Perry. “We need to lower our expectations about what Christmas brings us, and then we won’t be so disappointed,” she told the Parenting Helpline podcast, on CBeebies, the BBC children’s channel. Unspoken rules like “we have to see everyone” only add to the stress, as does pressure from social media about what the perfect Christmas Day should look like. Natalie Costa, parenting coach, former teacher and host of the Connected podcast, encourages people to remember that no one has the life of the photos they post. “Behind all the photos of happy families, there are children — and adults — who have had crying spells,” she says. This reality check can help reduce guilt for not measuring up. Instead of trying to compete with others, she suggests approaching Christmas with the attitude: “How would my Christmas be good enough?” 2. Don’t enter the gift competition Adults and children exchange gifts during Christmas celebrations. Getty Images Exchanging gifts is an essential part of Christmas. If there are young children at home, excited morning wake-ups are inevitable. But sometimes exchanging gifts can feel competitive, especially between distant family members where budgets can vary, says Perry. The best way to deal with this is not to try to compete or control children’s relationships with adults, but rather to reframe the situation. She encourages parents to “let it go” if grandparents, aunts and uncles choose to spoil little ones. Costa adds that this can become a useful way to discuss values with children later, emphasizing that larger gifts don’t reflect love. “You can’t buy love,” says Perry. “What children like is your attention and playing with them. That’s better than any gift.” 3. Prepare for awkward comments Complicated family dynamics don’t go away just because it’s Christmas and classic Christmas songs are playing. One minute you’re happily drinking wine, the next minute you’re being asked why you’re not happy in your marriage or whether you plan to have children. Any resentments, tensions and differences in values will remain, with the added pressure of living up to an idealized image of happy families. Passive-aggressive comments often come from someone else’s stress and insecurity, says psychotherapist Sarah Turner. This doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it can make it less personal. When we feel hurt, our instinct is to defend ourselves or withdraw, but Turner advises taking a break first. “You have the power to choose how to respond.” Another tip is to ask for clarification. Loved ones often rephrase what they said rather than repeat it, as they likely know it is a comment loaded with meaning. If there is a “grain of truth” to what they say, acknowledging this can help “calm their emotions because they feel heard,” adds Turner. This doesn’t mean agreeing or giving in — it simply means showing the person that you understand their point of view. In the heat of family dynamics, this can make all the difference. 4. Make it clear who is responsible Discussion in an environment decorated for Christmas. Getty Images Children are naturally excited on Christmas Day, but this burst of energy often turns into huge emotions of exhaustion later, including tantrums and tears. To prevent other family members from trying to control this, Costa suggests having a simple conversation beforehand to establish the rules. She advises something like: “I know that [a nossa forma de criar os filhos] It may be different than yours… What helps us most is staying consistent, so if a problem arises, leave it to us.” Set some simple, non-negotiable points, like screen time limits. Some families also find it helpful to have something light to take the pressure off, explains Costa. One used the code “stinky bananas” to signal that things were getting too difficult. Regardless of who is in the house you’re visiting, managing expectations is crucial. Let the kids know who will be there, what the day will be like. and what they can do if they start to feel overwhelmed. 5. Don’t comment on food preferences Couples attend Christmas dinner in an uncomfortable mood Getty Images Christmas dinner usually includes foods like turkey, tenderloins and rice with raisins, which we rarely eat the rest of the year. The key to an enjoyable meal is to eliminate the emotional burden. Offer some predictable options, normalize different preferences, and don’t make food a moral issue “For adults, autonomy is essential; offer alternatives without comment,” she says. For children, who may be trying foods for the first time, a “safe dish” alongside festive foods works well, something familiar that anchors them so they can explore new foods at their own pace. 6. Arrange a TV plan in advance Older relatives often want to share traditions; younger ones want autonomy and novelty, especially in the age of YouTube. The best approach is to decide the programming plan before emotions run high, says Birah. YouTube is exciting and fun, and you really enjoy it.” Then explain what else is going on: “Right now we’re spending time together as a family. This part is also important.” Personal organizer teaches you how to decorate the Christmas tree in a practical way 537 – Christmas dinner: limits, conflicts and what we call love with Vera Iaconelli
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6 things you should avoid to avoid fighting with your family at Christmas
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