MONEY, MONEY, MONEY
Over the last few months, Premier League clubs have been responsible for roughly £904984bn of spending, an act of such profound, altruistic love that even the stadia are in tiers. Nevertheless, the question begs: are any of them actually any good? Liverpool won last season’s title conceding more goals than every champion since 2013 – issues they are understandably keen to address. As such, they have cunningly replaced two full-backs who can’t defend with two other full-backs who can’t defend at a cost of £59.5m, and so far this season, they’ve conceded four league goals – as many as Manchester United, who in that time have been playing without a goalkeeper. But of course, blame for the malaise cannot be laid solely at the feet of the defenders. Liverpool’s midfield was also a factor in their relative permeability, a difficulty they’ve attempted to address by benching a more physical, defensively-minded type and bussing £116m on a new attacker to take his place; Florian Wirtz’s current contributions stand at 0 goals and 0 assists. And nor is that it! Arne Slot has also lumped £125m on Alexander Isak having already done £79m on Hugo Ekitike in preparation for the inevitability of a Bigger Cup knockout-stages undressing.
Chelsea, meanwhile, have tossed middling money and eternal contracts at every slightly above-average young attacker anyone has ever heard of – a strange do given Enzo Maresca’s tactics seem to involve reaching the final third, then passing the ball sideways or backwards. On the plus side, though, Liam Delap is an absolute demon when it comes to cube roots – sure to provide him and them with hours of fun when sat in their big coats watching other players fail to achieve cohesion. Arsenal, meanwhile, have also spent heavily on attackers, prioritising those unwanted by their competitors and with little resale value. Unfortunately for them, though, lil Mikel Arteta has lil trousers for a lil reason, and there’s no money in the world able to separate him from his beloved timidity: stand by for another season of four centre-backs in defence, another in midfield, and the glory of a record-breaking fourth second-place on the spin.
On to Manchester City who, in 2025, have given Pep Guardiola and his epochal genius £332.3m to spend, to find themselves below permanent crisis-club, Manchester United – and 1,057 others – in the league table. The foremost tactical genius of our time does, though, have a plan: a series of gnomic press conferences of awkward intensity, some complaints about the unfairness of a system rigged against his human rights-abusing overlords, and a request for several hundred million more, to be frittered in January. As for Manchester United, they’ve attempted to resolve their inability to score goals, last season’s principal failing – quite the accolade given the multitude of others – by handing over £207.2m for three attackers. Quite how they plan to get any of them the ball remains a mystery, given their total lack of a workable midfield, but Ruben Amorim remains confident that his 3-4-2-1 system is equipped to solve any problem, and will set about addressing this one just as soon as it’s delivered world peace.
In the meantime, though, United have, at long last, acquired a goalkeeper they are confident is a major upgrade on André Onana and Altay Bayindir, Senne Lammens being of only average incompetence. When none of this solves any of their problems, they will simply sack their manager, appoint another, fail to sell the players bought for any kind of value, squander more money on more failures, sack the next manager, and so on. Finally, to Villa and Newcastle. Only joking, the Daily is, like the rest of the football world, in deliberate, sustained conspiracy against their purity of ambition and their owners’ purity of motivation.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Our transfer deadline day liveblog continues to tick along here, meaning today’s News, Bits and Bobs section is a little on the light side.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
This decision was not an easy one for us. Nobody wanted to take this step. However, the past few weeks have shown that building a new and successful team with this setup is not feasible. We firmly believe in the quality of our team and will now do everything we can to take the next steps in our development with a new setup” – Bayer Leverkusen’s managing director, Simon Rolfes, confirms Erik ten Hag’s passage through the dreaded Door Marked Do One after just three games in charge. Oh Erik!
Noble Francis may not have agreed with me that the north starts at Sheffield (tedious Football Daily letters passim), but perhaps, given the Championship table, he’ll agree that it’s where it is all going south?” – Jon Millard.
Dominik Szoboszlai – the new Trent? Marauding right-back with stunning free-kicks. Either this is freaky or a testament to Arne Slot’s brilliance” – Nigel Sanders.
If you have any, please send letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Rollover. Terms and conditions for our competitions, when we run them, can be viewed here.
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